Sentences, Vol. II "The History of PB&J"

Sentences, Vol II
"The History of PB&J"

1. There is a significant distinction between peanut butter and jelly.

2. My English teacher kindly distinguished between the well known pair.

3. While the dominant of the two would be peanut butter, jelly is the most liked.

4. The discovery of the two substances together was at a college dormitory in Boise, Idaho.

5. To be earnest, it wasn't until 1951 that peanut butter and jelly were classified as an edible.

6. Until then, most bankers used it as a dividend on car loans.

7. Between two pieces of bread, these two foods easily won the hearts of many young parents with talkative children.

8. The ecstasy in knowing that their children would not be able to talk until they gave them a glass of milk made this food popular.

9. Jelly was first discovered in the eighth century A.D. after a bad case of male pattern baldness.

10. The Hungarian nomads believed that if you rubbed jelly all over your head under a full moon it would eliminate hair loss.

11. A depiction of this spiritual ritual was found on an ancient piece of embroidery used as a toilet seat cover.

12. Peanut butter was accidentally discovered during an endeavor to find the truth of life.

13. This enormous mistake turned out to be quite useful.

14. It was necessary equipment for a spartan to quote, "Keep them with their shield."

15. Peanut butter was also considered holy, especially for "staying close to the gods."

16. As an essential part of Spartan culture, the popularity of peanut butter grew.

17. There was an estimation of 100 famous "nuts" in Spartan history.

18. Today, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a sign of middle-class etiquette.

19. As I stand before you to sit behind you, none of this was an exaggeration.

20. Many college professors use this history as an examination of world culture.

Cause/Effect Essay, 11th Grade

On April 13, 1985*, a receptionist at NASA sneezed on a letter that she was carrying to the AV Department. Finding the letter a little soggy, the recipient left his intern alone, while he went to wash his hands. Overwhelmed at the thought of being alone in NASA's AV Department, the intern pushed a big red button, which caused a plethora of really bad B-movies to be sent out into space. Two aliens out for a joy ride in their spaceship picked up the transmission and were so disgusted at the human race that they blew up the Earth with a slightly ill-tempered toaster oven.

Teachers Comment: Great imagination! (duh...)

*this date is actually my birthday...I liked to put little hints like this in my essays. It kept the boredom level down...

Oh the Memories...

Yesterday I went through a bunch of my old schoolwork, and I thought I'd share some of it with you. I had a habit of making my English and Writing assignments a little more entertaining than they were meant to be. My teachers either loved it, or thought I wasn't taking the assignments seriously. The fact was my English classes were always so easy for me, I had to make up funny things to keep me from losing my mind. So, in the next few days, weeks, or however long I feel like doing this, I'll be posting some of my best work from my K-12 years.

Enjoy...or not.

Example I: What happened when I got angry at my teacher...

How-to Paragraph

How to Make a Hot Dog

Making a hot dog can be very tricky. First, go to the pet store and buy a dog. The type of dog doesn't really matter. Take the dog home and wash it very well. Unclean dogs can cause illness. Then, hit it on the head with a very large hammer. Make a fire and set the dog ontop of it. Cook until a golden brown. Serve in a bun with applesauce on top. The more times you make a hot dog, the easier it will be.

Here's my 9th grade Comp. teacher's comment: "I would expect nothing less than bizarre. You didn't disappoint." lol

That one went up on the refridgerator...

Stupid and the Beanstalk

Why I Quit

At night I decided
I didn't want to know
why people go to work
everyday.

Lying in bed, with only five hours left

While Grama plays Mozart
While Grampa watches the news
and the neighbor decides that
midnight is the perfect time
to send home his sex
and call out to his cat
for five minutes.

Just let the damn cat freeze

I'm in bed not worrying
about my job, but why
the sound of Mandy singing
makes me want to get
up and write.

How can one God-given voice motivate me to heal?

The State of Jessica

Although I think it would be rather cool to have a state named after me, the title of this post is referring to my psychological state. I have learned many things since I have graduated, and most of them suck. First, I have learned that no one really seems to care once you’ve graduated. Ah sure, those of you reading this that know me will say, “But Jessica, I care!” –Really? Do you really care?

When a person is in college, they are supposedly accomplishing something. Describing what this something is, is like Barack Obama trying to define “hope” –he almost gets there, but never quite delivers the verb. Once this mystic “something” is accomplished upon graduation, the accomplisher is now seen as just as miserable and dreamless as the rest of the world.

Thanks. That feels really wonderful.

Honestly, though, I don’t think that the actual “caring” aspect has lessened any, what is really happening is that friends and family members have nothing left to ask you about. Without, “What’s your major?” or “What do you want to be when you grow up?” only two conversation starters exist with someone you don’t care to talk at length with –the weather, and work. Talking about the weather is the psychological equivalent of, “Do I know you?”, and talking about work just gets both parties depressed, so people usually stop talking to graduates. This, in turn, makes the graduate feel less cared for…even though the so-called “caring” was pretty empty to begin with.

The second thing I have learned is that no matter how much money I make, I won’t want to spend any of it. Although this might seem good for my bank account, it really sucks. Sure, I would like to have a new camera, so that I can go and take lots of pictures I can be proud of, and maybe, oh, I dunno, be happy, but when you can get laid off…it closes the pocketbook pretty fast.

This, of course, brings me to my next point…work. I knew work sucked before I graduated…but boy does it suck now. I have learned that no matter how much you like your job, a work environment is everything. This, I feel, is not stressed at all in college. It really would have been nice to know when it is acceptable to quit. I had no idea, “I’d like to offer you this position,” was code for, “I sense your optimism and would like to destroy it.”

As for this blog…my plan is to post one new poem a week, so if you’ve been wondering why they are all pretty crappy, there’s your answer. In my current state, I feel that writing crap is much better than not writing at all.

5

What should I do
when a word freezes
a guitar string breaks
and all my pens are
missing?

It is easy to say

"upgrade" when

a soul isn't involved.

Sometimes I feel
the nausea of contained
creativity -this solitary
art form.

Remember,
a world exists
outside me.